Finding my way...
It has been a long time. I have little energy to write. My mind is cloudy and unclear. I sleep often and then I go days with little to no sleep and walk like a zombie. It is like a nightmare at times. Lonely. Lost. Alone. Unloved. Hopeless.
Then there are times, sometimes lasting minutes or hours, that I feel alive. Not well, but alive. Thankful. Appreciative. Hopeful. Smiling. Loved.
It is in these minutes of being alive that I write that I might remember and come back here to read. To remember. To heal. To hope. To love. Be thankful. It could have all ended with no cure and an unhappy ending to my disease. The tumor(s) are there but the damage can no longer be done. Cushing's isn't killing.
While I am cured, the damage is done. I may find, in time, some things are better. Months of therapy have left little doubt that many things are not going to change, or may change a little. I have little hope of working anything other than a few hours a week. I will never walk without crutches again.
But I am watching my children grow. I am there for them when a lot of parents are still working. I spend more hours with my wife than most husbands and we love each other more each day. It is the sunshine and the rain. It is the ying and the yang. It is a time for all seasons. It is the good and the bad. It is in everyone's lives. My circumstances are just different, not better or worse than anyone else. Who am I to complain?
I need to find a place in the world. I need friends. I have lost mine in these years of being sick. I need to find something to make me feel whole. I need to matter. Read more!
Then there are times, sometimes lasting minutes or hours, that I feel alive. Not well, but alive. Thankful. Appreciative. Hopeful. Smiling. Loved.
It is in these minutes of being alive that I write that I might remember and come back here to read. To remember. To heal. To hope. To love. Be thankful. It could have all ended with no cure and an unhappy ending to my disease. The tumor(s) are there but the damage can no longer be done. Cushing's isn't killing.
While I am cured, the damage is done. I may find, in time, some things are better. Months of therapy have left little doubt that many things are not going to change, or may change a little. I have little hope of working anything other than a few hours a week. I will never walk without crutches again.
But I am watching my children grow. I am there for them when a lot of parents are still working. I spend more hours with my wife than most husbands and we love each other more each day. It is the sunshine and the rain. It is the ying and the yang. It is a time for all seasons. It is the good and the bad. It is in everyone's lives. My circumstances are just different, not better or worse than anyone else. Who am I to complain?
I need to find a place in the world. I need friends. I have lost mine in these years of being sick. I need to find something to make me feel whole. I need to matter. Read more!
