Should Have Seen It...

The "Before The Cure" series are items I wrote as I struggled with finding why I was sick and then finding a cure. Some of my writings were dark and dreary, but a lot of them were written to help me remember to have hope. Some of them were poetry. I am not a writer or poet. What I write comes from my heart and how I feel at the point in time I write.

The Broken Toy poem was written because people were really treating me, well, like a broken toy. We were missing family and I believe they were all struggling and trying to make sense of my sickness. I thought that this is how a broken toy must feel, if it could, and a poem was born. I hope you enjoy it.


The Broken Toy

I live in the silent toy box...
broken and alone.
I am the same toy I used to be,
I'm just missing a little foam.

Do you remember the golden days...
like Christmas morning at the tree?
I wonder now when you look,
what do you see left in me?

I am a broken toy...
does that make me worth less?
Just a few moments of your time,
surely I would feel blessed.

Don't look at me with scorn...
Don't look at me with disdain.
I am a broken toy,
but does it mean I feel no pain.

Copyright 2006-2009 Steve M Owens

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Life passes me by every hour. At first, it was still about Cushing's. It consumed me all the time, even after surgery and a cure from Cushing's Disease. I have slowly noticed there are some hours I don't remember having it. I know I don't feel well, but the reasons of it seem to either leave my mind or not matter. The weight loss. I remember why that is happening clearly though.

The weight loss started at about 5 lbs a month. In June, it went to 10lbs in three weeks. Now, 11 days later, I am losing a pound a day. The funny thing is, I am taking 40-60mg of cortef a day to stay out of AI and I still don't feel well.

I'm not complaining here because it feels good to loose. I am just wondering if this is a reversal of Cushing's or if Adrenal Insufficiency is a problem too. Hard to tell for me. I think it is probably both.

Cushing's Disease is a large overdose of steroids, usually man made, or in my case, my body made it. It causes massive weight gain in short amounts of time. It destroys the body and in some cases is just as harmful to the mind. My overdose is gone, my adrenals are no longer residing within me. I have Addison's Disease or Primary Adrenal Insufficiency, depending on who you ask. They both cause the same problems, but may be caused for different reasons.

I still feel bad, and really bad most of the time. Every change is a puzzle, every meal a concern for keeping it down. Dehydration is a real threat because I don't want to drink. I leave bottles on my desk to remind me what I have drank that day. I can not remember to eat, drink or take pills, but I use the tools we can think of to remind me.

As bad as that may sound, I am going on and trying to find my place in my new world. I don't work often, but I am trying to find innovative ways to weave in what I can do when I can do it. Life isn't easy for us, but we are living it in the modified fashion we need to do it in. We make adjustments to life and we go on. Work is a hard one to crack. With little energy or stamina as well as other problems, it is hard to do the few hours I do manage. We keep coming up with different ideas to try to help. I'm not giving up yet.

Living with Addison's is far better than dying with Cushing's. A path I avoided twice with the help of a family doctor who wouldn't quit on me, two very skilled surgeons, a researcher in California and a little known Cushing's doctor from Dayton, Ohio. Most of all, I owe a lot to my wife and kids who everyday look out for me and keep me moving.
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