Should Have Seen It...

When I think back prior to my surgery, had it been entirely in my control, I would have never went to surgery for the BLA. I think the cortisol had gotten that out of control that I would not have had the sense to do it. Like the doctor told me, I would always find a reason. A reason to not trust the doctor, the hospital or something. The Cushing's Disease was winning.

I sat in the room the morning of my surgery and tried to think of something to stop it. I knew for a fact the Cushing's Disease was getting to a point where the level of damage being done was drastic. The doctor(s) in a round about way were telling me I was going to die without treatment and soon...not years from now. MD Anderson told us the same thing. The Pit surgery put it hold for awhile, but it came back and it came back hard. I knew all that and I still wanted to run.

I wonder what it was about the Cushing's that made me feel that way. Did the high cortisol affect the mind? Or was it something from living with so much stress from a chronic illness for almost a decade? Was it really just something from the disease process or a character flaw and my fault? I didn't know then, and I am barely understanding it now. I know now that with this whole process there are things that happen to us beyond what the disease causes. Living though the process of chronic illness comes with it's own baggage and a lot of it isn't healthy.

Healing from Cushing's Disease began when I was cured with the bilateral adrenalectomy (BLA). I knew then that the muscles and bones would take months to a few years to heal. I found the help of physical and occupational therapy to help. In finding help, these people also opened my eyes to other things. They taught me that there is a disease process and that things we don't expect happens because of chronic illness.

However, I didn't know that curing Cushing's came with other unclaimed baggage. I am just now realizing what comes in the bags. It is a struggle. There are more things to fix than I had realized. Most of them, with good food, rest and love, will heal with time. I speak of more than just the body. I speak of mind, body, and soul. That won't fix everything and wishing it wasn't there won't make it go away.

There are many things left in the baggage. Instead of rooting through it and making a mess, I have decided to pull one thing out at a time and deal with it. It is my hope that I can concentrate well on fixing one problem at a time. Sooner or later, that bag marked Cushing's will be empty and Cushing's will be a memory. Time heals all wounds.